From a fangirl post to something a little more serious. That’s how I roll. Well, that’s not really the point. With depression and anxiety, there are good days and bad days. It’s just really frustrating when there are grasps of happiness that end up overshadowed over the most minimal inconvenience.
You can tell yourself time and time again that it’s something that would’ve probably never bothered you in any other circumstance but not today. Not today. Today happens to be the day that you take everything personally. Time is wasted as you try to reason with yourself. It doesn’t get you anywhere.
‘But why today? WHY does this have to bother me today?’
Scrambling to climb out of that mindset I try to distract myself with little things. I spend a couple of minutes on YouTube. Feeble attempts to tackle my watch later list that has stuff from four years ago. I started doing this one recently and it sometimes helps. Other times I just start looking at ASMR videos that I enjoy to keep trying to wind down.
Like I said, it sometimes works. Other times, it doesn’t. Some days, nothing helps. Just holding onto that shovel and keep digging yourself deeper and deeper into your funk. Things from back in the day can come up, recent bad things also come up, things that are probably never going to happen also come up, and it weighs on you.
And it weighs.
And then it weighs some more.
The cycle repeats itself. The bad thoughts start coming in flood, charging without any regard to what I want to do. It’s a cycle. After being in this treadmill, running in place for so long…breaking the cycle is hard. I know that the standard rule is to do something out of your routine. The thing is, that there are things I want to do that are not a part of my daily routine. I wish they were.
I love to write, stories, blogs, whatever. Creating is something that I truly love to do. I wish I did more of it. I stop myself because of that cycle of thinking; it’s not worth it. Not even for myself. I love my planner, it helps me ‘look’ and feel organized. Then I sparingly use it. I wish I did. I have all these amazing tapes, stickers, and pens…need to use them more but for some reason, I shy away from my own supplies.
Look, I get it. It sounds stupid. I wish there was an explanation, a real sounding one. There is one thing I’m aware of though. I’m a work in progress. I will always continue to be. Anxiety is a part of me…I just wish it didn’t feel like it takes so much of me.