I know I’ve been a little MIA these last few days. It’s not been very fun in my head. A lot of anxiety for no real reason, mini panic attacks, and just feeling terrible about myself.
One of the most frustrating things about my anxiety is that it comes from things I cannot control. Things that are absolutely out of my hands 100% of the time. There are other things that give me anxiety that I do control but most of the time…it’s not. Some of the things I get anxious about are very situational.
I’ve mentioned those ‘what if’ scenarios that can just eat me up alive. They’re absolutely the worst. It’s something I struggle to shake off. These last couple of days I haven’t been as successful as I’d like. I haven’t even begun this week’s ‘Fangirl Fridays’ and I really need to get a jump on it.
Moving on. That’s part of the reason I slacked off posts in April. I know I need to get back into the wagon, push myself. It’s an uphill battle. Shaking off those thoughts is not an easy task. Heck, there are moments where I just want to say ‘eff it’ and turn around back to bed even with the looming panic.
I hate it when I get this way. I really just wish I could send it all away. All the anxiety, the frustrations, the depression, the feeling like I’m not worth anything. I just hate everything that comes with it.
These last few days have had me on edge. Worrying about things that I can’t control. Yes, the age-old idea that ‘You can control how you react to it!’ is still moot. I’ve been trying to make a more conscious effort to remind myself that if it’s not my problem, I don’t need to worry about it. Sometimes it helps to combine that with deep breaths. There are moments where this works, sometimes it doesn’t. The thoughts win, anxiety comes back and settles in.
I hate it. I need to keep fighting. I matter. I always forget that. There’s also another thing, I overapologize. That’s a post for another day.