Last night I randomly woke up at three am with my heart racing. I wish I could explain it. I did recognize it as a panic attack. It’d been a while since my last one.
The worst part is getting those attacks, knowing the trigger, and not being able to do anything about it. What I mean is, the trigger was being something that I could not, I cannot control. So why was I panicking? Because ‘what if this happens that I also have no control over’ or ‘this other thing happens and I also don’t have any control over’?
I hate being like that. I hate feeling like that. It’s drowning in all of these worries, preoccupations, and assumptions of things that aren’t even real. They haven’t materialized, it’s possible they’re never going to materialize. Then you hear that little voice in your head screaming at you, ‘but what if it does?’
Ugh. I hate that. I really hate that. I don’t know how I got myself out of it but I did. I just hope I don’t get another one for a long time. Or never again. But then I’m being too optimistic and not realistic enough.
Hoping tomorrow’s a better day than this.