So, here’s the thing that’s really obvious. Depression is terrible. It’s exhausting. I don’t remember off the top of my head if I’ve talked about it deeply on here and I frankly don’t think so.
Since my last post a couple of things have changed in Fortnite and I picked up Pokémon Let’s Go Eevee. It’s so cute and I need to save those pictures so I can talk about my experience but that’s beside the point.
It’s been a complicated journey with my own situation. If you haven’t read up on the ‘spoon theory’, definitely take a look. I’ve used it to explain to certain people in my life how some days I can seemingly take on the world and how other days I’m not even close.
That’s basically one of the important things I wish people would understand. Some days I am hyper productive in my personal life and I get a lot done. Other days I have enough spoons to get to work and do everything I have to do there and I’m done by the time my punch out time arrives. When I get home, I have enough spoons left to play a game and go to bed.
I’ve suffered from depression since I was a teenager. It wasn’t sudden. It built. I’d left my elementary school behind and started a new school. I thought I made friends…but turned out to be pretty much bullshit. Slowly it was clear how different I was from a lot of the people in my class. I was a geek. Most of them were not.
The rift grew more and more. I did eventually make friends. Some of them made fun of me. Others didn’t. My classmates my own age still ignored me for the most part. I started to feel like a burden to my friends. Like a failure to my family because I wasn’t passing all A’s like I did in Elementary School. PE now wasn’t like before. It required me to be athletic in things I couldn’t really do. (I hit my teacher with a softball once. Another time with a Volleyball)
I arrived at college. The place where a lot of people told me over the years I’d really find myself. They weren’t exactly wrong. It took about a month until I found a group of friends where I didn’t feel like I was a burden to them. At least, not at first. I had failed few times with my classes, trying to find what major I wanted to excel in, self confidence issues all over the place. That hole I was in got deeper.
I picked up dance again randomly for a while. I loved it. Especially when I really got into Kpop. Every time I learned a new dance I felt accomplished. I felt like I could take on the world for a brief moment. There’s still some of the footage up on my YouTube channel.
I love channeling my energy through dance, it’s been a long while since I’ve filmed myself dancing though. I have managed to learn two more dances in recent years. My backlog is huge and I’m slowly learning choruses of dances that I’d like to master down the road. Then I stop.
Like everything else I’ve ever wanted to do with myself, I stop. I can’t do this for myself. It’s never going to go anywhere. I’m just going to fail like I did all those times before. Why even bother?
I have been seeking help. She’s great. She’s been trying to help me shape my perspective, to move on. She’s happy with the steps I’ve accomplished but she wants me to do more. I have people who believe in me without fail and reassure me I’m not a burden. It’s just a process to teach myself that this is the truth and that I can succeed. I can get there.
It’s complicated. I need to remember that even with changing my way of thinking, I still have my spoons. That’s never going to go away. I just need to make sure I have more than enough spoons every day. I’m terrified…but I have to move forward. I need to keep moving forward.
I could keep going but I think I’ve gotten my point across. If you’ve stuck around this long, thanks for reading. See you on the next one.