So yeah, I got really personal on my last post talking about Legalmente Nerd and our first year. This time I’m back to being personal but this is a subject a little closer to home. It’s about my inner performer and how I’ve been holding her in for years.
I started dancing when I was a kid. I remember doing ballet since I was three. I remember my tutus. I loved shopping for new ballet slippers when the pair I had wore down until my tights were visible. I kept at it until I graduated elementary school and I was the only seventh grader to participate in the school talent show in my first year of my middle/high school.
I was nicknamed Britney for that stunt. It was 2001! Cut me some slack will ya?
Anyway, I would’ve gone ahead and kept performing but a lot of things stacked up. My school didn’t have a dedicated music program for dance so there were no dance extracurriculars I could do.
I initially auditioned by singing, which is why I got that nickname in the first place. Since I couldn’t find a way to take classes, that part of me ended up being boxed away and only to escape when a pair of headphones was on my ears. I danced along the school halls since my schedule was so screwed up. I had three days a week where my wait time between classes was about two hours.
Moving on. I made friends after struggling to do so for years and I would sometimes sing at school with one of them for kicks. One day she snapped at me. She yelled ‘OMG Sheila you can’t sing, shut up.’
And that was the last time anyone really heard me sing for a years.
Sure, my family hears me every now and then and kinda get annoyed but I’m in the comfort of home. It’s not a public forum.
I picked it up again and then it disappeared like the cover group I was on. The inner performer was back in the box.
She’s been trying to make a run for it ever since.
I know it sounds cruel how I’m expressing this…I let one of the people I considered one of my best friends shut me up. I have been letting my dancer/performer run free when I’m home alone since that way I don’t bother anyone. But lately, thanks to encouragement I’ve been slowly coming out of my shell. Hiding out a part of yourself in a tiny box takes a while to dust off and unpack.
I love music. I love performing. I love it more than gaming at times. It’s a bigger escape to be lost in the music, feel the beat with every inch of your body, your feet aching to kick into high gear and express what you’re feeling. When one of my favorite songs plays in the car, my hands twitch as I feel the urge to sing at the top of my lungs, hold that imaginary mic and just belt out my musical freedom.
Now that it opened up the box, the real journey begins. I don’t play instruments because I was never able to learn one. I’ve spent a year working on my gaming channel and I am not giving up on that. I love gaming and I’m not quitting my gaming. Or my channel.
I will be letting out my inner pop star though. She’s been boxed away long enough.