Day Twenty Three: Shine Bright Jonghyun

So, I know I promised talking about Osiris but this was more important.

I was never a huge Shawol but I did appreciate SHINee and Jonghyun. His voice was amazing. It still is, it’s just sad that I’m never going to be able to hear it live again.

I was lucky to see them when I went to SMTown 2011. It was an amazing weekend of which I will never stop raving about. Especially what happened the day after the show. SHINee was amazing live. Jonghyun’s voice was powerful. It filled that arena…I enjoyed every minute of their performances. Seeing them soar through the arena was AH-mazing.

His suicide hit me hard. It’s heartbreaking. I have friends who have been huge fans of the group through everything. While my main group was Super Junior, I was always excited for a SHINee comeback. Their music was always fantastic.

I was never one to follow these members closely but Jonghyun’s messages still hit home. Depression is difficult. Anxiety is terrible. Being overwhelmed by insecurities? Nasty. It’s too much.

I can relate to some of his issues. I feel like a lot of us do. Depression is a constant struggle, anxiety is a constant challenge. They are not easy to overcome.

I don’t remember what my diagnosis was as a teen. I do remember how being mostly ignored by my classmates affected me though. It made me withdraw a lot. Anime and manga became a place I could hide in aside from video games.

Then writing became my escape. I wrote a lot of plot-hole ridden FanFiction back in the day and some of it is still up online. I won’t share the link to spare my own embarrassment but my writing has evolved quite a lot since then.

I can’t remember how many nights I stayed up late to catch *cringe* Inuyasha in adult swim. Full Metal Alchemist would follow right after. I remember how I religiously I would go every two or three months to Borders to get the new Fruits Basket volume. I believe I recall even taking the bus? I have most of those volumes at home, I don’t know if they survived Maria. I hope they did.

As an adult, it’s harder to escape. The problems are bigger. I have a job now. A very stressful one. I have a degree and it took me a while to find myself, what I wanted to graduate from.

I’m almost 30. My job pays too little for what I do. Things that I have to watch out for are way too many. One of the practices trickles into my personal life. I apologize for everything. Well, almost everything. Things I have absolutely no control over. It drives some people nuts.

I hate it. I wish I could turn it off. I don’t like feeling like this. I don’t like feeling hopeless, pathetic. I hate feeling worthless. I give so much of myself to everyone but I leave myself behind…I forget that I matter too. That’s the hardest thing to remember at times.

Jonghyun, you won’t be forgotten. You did good. We’ll miss you. I’ll take care of myself too. We all matter.

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